Tea and Thongs
by Love the Starry Night
Summary: Sometimes Tsunade wonders if she should have gone celibate. College professor!OroTsu AU. Oneshot. M for language and mature themes.


Warning: alcohol mention, reference to student-teacher romantic relationships.

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"I'm will kill my students," Tsunade grumbled as she slumped over at the kitchen table, resting her chin on the very edge. "I have never read _anything_ quite like first semester midterm papers…" Orochimaru set down a steaming mug of tea in front of her. She glared up at him. "Fuck tea. Give me booze."

"Now, now, Tsunade, is that any way a tenured professor should act?" he asked. "Drinking to forget her problems?"

"The only problem I have right now is that there isn't a drink in front me," Tsunade growled. She sat up, pushing her bangs back and rubbing her aching eyes.

"But there is—you can drink tea, remember?"

Tsunade considered throwing his precious tea at him for a split second, but the thought of warm Darjeeling curing her pounding headache was more tempting than assaulting her asshole boyfriend. Even if his affronted expression would have been priceless.

As she sipped her drink he sat across from her and watched her with what she knew to be a lazy smile (though it looked like a snake's leer). "What did they do this time?"

"All I asked for was a simple three-page analysis on intersex reproductive capabilities. And I get at least ten papers mentioning the hymen as a _membrane,_" she spit out, digusted. "My students actually wrote about the hymen as a membrane that tore during a woman's first sexual encounter."

Orochimaru's thin eyebrows went up. "I pity the boys for when you correct them."

Tsunade groaned. "There was one girl. A girl who I know for a fact uses tampons. _Tampons_, Orochimaru."

He leaned forward. "Tsunade, how did you find out this girl uses tampons? Don't tell me someone has gotten…fresh with her young, vivacious students?"

Tsunade narrowed her eyes as she sipped her tea. "Now isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? I seem to remember someone coming on to a co-ed in his class before we starting going out."

"Need I keep reminding you that it was completely within the realm of legality for me to do so, princess? He was two years past legal age."

"He was completely uninterested _and_ dating a certain young woman I mentored. And _extremely _straight."

"How was I supposed to know he was not interested in the same sex? He _is_ rather effeminate, from certain angles," Orochimaru insisted, letting his long black hair down from the ponytail he'd tied it up in.

_That's _definitely _the pot calling the kettle black, _Tsunade thought. "It's still your fault that they didn't let me be her Matron of Honor."

Orochimaru scoffed. "Hardly. Who wants an old drunk for that? You would have ruined the wedding."

They glared at each other across the table. Finally Tsunade conceded. "Oh, whatever. Agree to disagree."

Orochimaru leaned back in his seat, arms folded loosely across his chest. He was smiling. "Agree to disagree," he repeated. "But that still doesn't answer my question."

Tsunade waved a hand. "I heard her ask one of her friends for a tampon when I happened to be in the same bathroom with her at the same time."

"I see."

Downing the last of her tea, she stood up. "I've got three more papers to grade. Wish me luck."

She had just settled onto the couch, her legs tucked under her thighs and her glasses perched on the bridge of her nose, when a shadow fell over her. She looked up, annoyed. "What do you want?"

"Nothing," Orochimaru said, kneeling in front of her and folding his arms on her lap. "I think we need to find out who won our bet today, don't you?"

Tsunade smirked, remembering the wager they'd made the previous day. "Something to test each other's endurance," Orochimaru had said. She tugged down the waistband of the gym shorts she had changed into once she got home. Men's underwear, Orochimaru's, to be exact, peeked out. "I think I did. These are incredibly comfortable; why would I change out of them? I think you're the loser here."

His snakelike grin widened. He leaned in and kissed her exposed hipbone, causing her to draw in a sharp breath, but instead of continuing downwards he leaned back, unzipping his pants. Hot pink lace showed through the open zipper. "I think we can say this was a tie?"

Her jaw dropped. "No, you took those off and put them back on. I picked out the worst ones just for you—_I _don't even wear those that often. You can't have actually worn them all day!"

He just smirked back at her, sitting up. "I did. I wasn't going to lose to you, Tsunade… although I _must _admit they weren't comfortable."

Tsunade licked her lips, glancing down at the visible sliver of pink and then back up at her boyfriend's face. Leaning forward until the tip of her nose was brushing his, she murmured, "Take them off, then."

Like a coil snapping, his mouth crashed into hers. He pulled her up from the couch as he struggled to undress with only one hand. Tsunade pulled back and yanked her shirt off, and then helped Orochimaru with his as he finally was able to shimmy out of his pants. Her fingers found the string of her hot pink lace thong on his rear and followed it down between his cheeks, hooking a finger around it and snapping it like a rubber band. He hooked a hand under one of her knees and wrapped her leg around his waist, his lips finding her pulse. She fisted her hands in his hair, letting out a small whimper as his fingers crept between her thighs.

The sound of the door banging open made them freeze.

Peering over Orochimaru's shoulder, Tsunade took in the sight of their closest friend, Jiraiya, standing shell-shocked in the doorway as he stared at Orochimaru's ass. The loaf of French bread nestled in his elbow fell to the floor. She remembered vaguely having invited him over for dinner the previous day and repressed a groan.

"_I thought you hid the spare key!" _she hissed into Orochimaru's ear.

"_The bastard found it again!"_

"_Hide it better, you numbskull!"_

"Um," Jiraiya finally choked out, his eyes wider than saucers. He wouldn't stop looking at Orochimaru's thong-clad behind. "Do you mind if I put this in my second draft?"

At the kitchen table, a now-fully-clothed Tsunade held a wet washcloth to a dazed Jiraiya's nose as blood slowly soaked it through.

"Did you really have to punch him?" Orochimaru asked as he put yet more tea on to boil. He'd replaced his pants, but remained shirtless, much to Tsunade's chagrin. The lace band of her thong was just slightly higher than the waistband of his khakis. It made her want to punch Jiraiya again, this time in the throat.

"He's lucky I didn't kill him," she grunted.

"If you keep talking like that, he might just get a sequel to that show," he said, throwing a devious smile at her over his shoulder. Tsunade threw the blood-soaked towel at him, and it slapped his head with a clean wet _smack _as she got up to get another one.

"If _you _keep talking like that, _you're _the one who's getting a sequel—of _that_." She pointed a thumb at their inert friend. Walking over to the sink, she turned on the tap and held the rag under cold water. Orochimaru suddenly pressed against her, pushing her up against the edge of the counter. The heat from his bare skin radiated through her shirt. He palmed her ass with both hands.

She could hear the laugh in his voice as he purred, "Good thing I'm a masochist…princess."

_Fin._

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**A/N: **I'm not even sorry.


End file.
